Happiness vs. Batten disease – which wins?

Happiness…  What does it mean?  How does one obtain happiness?  The definition of happy is “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.”  Happiness is the state of being happy.   Why do so many people fight happiness?  Why do so many people allow anger, jealousy, and bitterness take over their life?  Why are some people only “happy” if they have something to be unhappy about?

In the last four years I have been asked why we as a family are happy.  How do we maintain happiness in the midst our struggles? 

Happiness vs. Batten disease – which wins?

I remember the day we got the diagnosis for our daughter Kate.  Happiness was nowhere to be found.  Happiness fled our home and darkness set in for a few weeks.  Living, breathing, and merely existing became a chore.  Tears were more common than smiles.  All around us was darkness, fear, and hopelessness.   We could have stayed in this state of mind but we CHOSE otherwise.  Am I saying happiness is a choice?  Yes, that is what I am saying. 

(BUT before we go any further, let me say loud and clear that I am not saying depression is a choice. In fact, I believe just the opposite.  Depression is a medical condition that requires medical attention, whether that be through counseling, medication or both.  Our country needs to remove the shame from mental illness and allow those with it to be open and unashamed.  This blog is about those who are healthy mentally yet they elect to be filled with anger, sadness and other dark emotions.)

We chose to find happiness and a way to live again.  Kate had been given a death sentence but the truth is she was and is a live.  We can hold her, kiss her, and see her.  How many years will she live?  I wish I knew.  However, I what knew once the darkness started to move, and continue to focus on, is that she is alive today.  We can chose to be miserable and see only death or we can chose to live, be happy and be thankful for today.  Batten disease may claim her life, but it wont claim the hours and days while she is living.  It wont claim our happiness.  We chose happiness because anger, sadness and bitterness doesn’t bring quality of life but happiness, love and a positive attitude do. 

More than happiness, I want joy.  If happiness is a choice, isn’t joy.  No!  Joy is a gift from God.  Happiness is like a fair weather friend; happiness comes and goes as life throws junk your way.  What do I mean?  You may be happy and at peace with life, but then the phone rings and you learn that someone you love has died.  Happiness is now replaced with sorrow and you grieve.  BUT joy is still there.  Joy is deep within your soul and lights the way when darkness surrounds you.   Joy is a gift that God wants us to claim.  Joy allows you to smile when your world has fallen apart.  Joy makes it possible for happiness to find you once again.  If you aren’t able to find joy or happiness, seek God first.  He is the joy, the peace, the light.  Once you have Him, joy will fill you. 

Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:22 – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, JOY, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

John 16:24 – Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.  Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be completed.

So who wins, batten disease or happiness?  Neither.  Joy wins.  Joy has filled our hearts, our home and our lives.  Batten disease may win some of the battles and there may be days of fear and darkness, but my God is bigger than Batten disease and He has overcome this world.  So today we smile, laugh and trust that Gods plan is right on track.  We praise Him for the joy that allows us to get up each day and make memories with our family.  

Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is a day to express your love for those who mean the most to you.  I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day, nor a hater of the holiday.  I am indifferent to it.  I understand the idea of Valentine’s Day and I agree we need to express our love to those we cherish.  For those of us who struggle with doing that, the holiday is the perfect excuse to say what we feel.

At our house we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day.  We buy cards for each other and I may or may not buy something SMALL for the girls and Brock, but overall, we treat the day as if it wasn’t a holiday.  To some this may seem weird, cold or as if the passion in our marriage is gone.  I, on the other hand, see it as comforting.  Neither Brock, nor I, feels any pressure to buy a gift that express our undying love for one another.  Instead, we can enjoy the day with no pressure, just love.  I know regardless of whether or not a boutique of flowers is delivered to my office, that I am loved and cared for.  Honestly, it means more to me when I receive flowers unexpectedly, rather than when the calendar says they should be delivered.

I express my love every day to my family.  It may not be in the traditional sense – words, hugs, etc. (I do say “I love you” to them daily and hug them daily).  I express my love by making a nice dinner, buying something at the grocery store that isn’t for me because I know someone else will enjoy it, sitting through a TV show that I don’t enjoy just so I can spend time with person who is enjoying it, etc. 

Don’t get me wrong, if you make a big deal out of the holiday, I am happy for you.  Like I said, I am neither a lover nor a hater of the holiday.  Enjoy the day, celebrate the love you share with your spouse (girlfriend or boyfriend), children, friends, etc.  After all, that’s what the day is about, so why not take the time to say and show your love. 

But as I reflect on the meaning of Valentine’s Day, I am reminded that my love for my children and husband is nothing compared to the love our creator has for us.  His love is the greatest we will ever know.  I am thankful our heavenly father doesn’t need a holiday to express His love for us!   I am glad he didn’t show his love with a box of chocolate, overpriced card or dinner that required us to wait 2 hours in line.  I am thankful His love is unconditional and constantly present.  He shows mercy and forgiveness when I deserve neither.  I am thankful He loves when I am unlovable.  I am thankful he shows His love to us everyday! 

Happy Valentine’s Day.  May you show your love and feel loved every day of the year.  Know that regardless of the love you do or don’t feel each day, that your heavenly Father loves you more than you can comprehend.

Love means never having to say you are sorry.

Love means never having to say you are sorry, or so I've been told.  Why would we say sorry to a stranger when we neglect to hold a door open for them, bump into them by accident or get in their way at the grocery store, but we dont apologize to those who we love the most when we hurt their feelings?  I have always thought this quote was ridiculous.  I am sorry.  Three simple words that can have a huge impact on a relationship.  I am sorry.  A short sentence that can bring healing and peace.

Over the last few years I watched as a relationship I once loved turn bitter and cold.  I was angry with a person; they were angry with me.  There was no communication between us around the anger; no attempt to resolve what was once a great friendship.  I avoided talking about the issues with this person because I hate confrontation and perhaps I didnt want to hear what I did to cause her hurt.  I consider myself to be a loving and kind person, but at times I was just the opposite.

I felt God telling me to reconcile this relationship.  "Go to her and correct what you have done" I heard several times.  Be loving, be kind, be Christ like.  I knew God wasnt pleased with me and this situation.  I also knew that I couldnt ask for Gods grace, mercy and forgiveness if I myself couldnt lend that same grace, mercy and forgiveness.

After resisting for a few months, I decided to right what was wrong.  I asked the person to meet me in a public place so we could talk.  To my relief, and perhaps disappointment, they agreed.  (Why disappointment?  Like I said, I hate confrontation, but I knew this was the right thing to do.)

This meeting could have started one of two ways.  I could have sited every heart ache, every unkind act and every harsh word she said and she could have done the same.  OR I could wave the white flag, apologize and ask for forgiveness.  What should I do?  What would Christ do?

I decided the best approach was to wave the flag and ask for forgiveness.  I looked this person in the eye and said, "We once were friends but over the last few years things have changed.  I dont know how we got to this point but I want us to be friends again.  I dont want to hash out every wrong that has been done.  Rather I want to forgive, forget and rebuild.  I am sorry for my role in the destruction of our friendship."  To my relief she apologized and accepted my apology.

I cant describe the healing power of "am sorry." I felt the healing begin when I said I was sorry.  I felt it again when she said she was sorry.  I felt healing continue as we sat for a short period of time and caught up on each other lives.

So if saying these two simple words can bring such healing, why arent we required to say it to those we love?  Why do watch relationships dissolve?  Is it our pride? Is it because they are more wrong than you?  Is it because they need to say it first?  Am sure there are a million reasons why.  But there is one reason to say it.  Christ.  Christ has forgiven you.  He died for you.  And to be blunt, HE EXPECTS YOU TO FIX THE WRONGS THAT HAVE BEEN DONE.

• Matthew 6:14-15, For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
• 1 John 1:9, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
• 2 Corinthians 2: 7-11, So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.
• 1 John 3:15, Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them.

Saying "am sorry" is rarely easy but can bring healing beyond measure.

What I wouldnt give...

What I wouldn't give to walk into my Grandma and Grandpa Willer's house one more time.  The drive to their house was long, but the excitement I felt as we drove up the road they lived on is unmatched.  I don't know what is is about their home that I loved so much, but I always felt a sense of peace, wholeness and happiness there.  I often do a tour of their house in my mind so I don't forget any details.  I can picture the bench in their foyer, the green glasses we drank from, the smell of homemade cookies, my grandma's dresser and the lipstick that always laid on it, and the piano my father loved to play.  The things I miss most about my grandparents house are the sounds I heard when we were there.  The sound of my grandmother humming as she walked around the house, and the laughter of my aunts and uncles as they reminisced about their childhood.  If I sit quietly I can hear Uncle Stan's boisterous laugh, Aunt Phyllis's calming voice reading us a bedtime story, and Uncle Chuck teasing my parents for liking the Hawkeyes.

I take back what I said early.  I do know what I loved so much about their home, its the people.  The people who filled that house genuinely loved each other and enjoyed being together.  It was rare for all four of my Grandparents children to visit at one time, so when it happened we cherished each minute.  The adults would sit around the kitchen table for hours talking,while the kids played in the basement.  It was simple, but perfect.  I often desire to go back to their home.  I wonder if the people who live there now would let me look around and reminisce for a few moments.  I wonder what it would be like to sit in the living room or stare out from the kitchen table into the backyard.  Would I feel the same sense of peace or would I be disappointed because the home no longer looks like it did 10 years ago?  Even if it looked the same, the people I love wouldn't be there, the noises I miss wouldn't fill the air and smell of Grandma's perfume wouldn't linger.

I so desire to feel the way I did in their home everyday - loved, at peace, carefree, etc.  How can I get that back?  Life is moving so fast and I am responsible for so many things but when I allow myself to have quiet moments of reflection and spend time reading the Bible, I find the peace and love I desire.  I know, you are thinking, really?  Yes, really.  I feel at peace when I have a few moments of time with God.  Getting myself focused, redirected and out of this world helps me deal with the journey I am on in a positive, loving and calm manner.  Peace with the journey comes when I hear God's voice telling me He walks with me and carries me when I grow weary.

The only thing better than spending one-on-one time with God, is spending time with God, in my Grandma's living room, with my grandma sitting beside me.

Why Blog?

Why write a blog?  There are so many good blogs out there, do I really think I have anything new or interesting to say?  No, but writing, for me, is therapeutic and I have an opinion on so many things, so why not blog?

Before I start blogging, I thought I would introduce myself and explain what this blog is all about.  I think I am simple and easy to figure out, but my husband would say otherwise.  When I try to explain why I like one product, article of clothing, food, etc. over another, I realize that he might be right, but to me it all seems so simple.  I like what I like, how I like it.  I am a Christian and this sets the foundation for everything I do in life.  It the biggest thing that defines me.  Please dont get the impression that I am perfect, because as well all know, no one is perfect; only Jesus was (and is) perfect.  I am a wife.  I have been married for 14 years to a guy who makes me laugh daily.  I dont take my marriage for granted or lightly.  Some days we live in marital bliss and other days I feel like hitting him in the head with a frying pan (not really, but you get my drift, and am sure he would say the same about me.)  I am a mother to two girls.  The oldest daughter is amazing!!  She is funny, beautiful, witty, and has a true heart for God and the human race.  Our youngest daughter is a combination of sugar and spice.  She is ornery and loving, determined and brave and has been diagnosed with a rare, terminal disease, that has no known cure or treatment.

I work full time, have held a few different positions at the church we attend and am an aspiring Christian speaker.

I hope that my blogs will make you laugh, cry and think.  I know my opinions may vary from yours, but I hope we can find that road to tolerance is a two way street.  Meaning, if you disagree with my opinion I hope you wont stop following my blog, but rather agree to disagree.  I will respect your opinions and comments, if choice to leave any, if you will do the same.

I hope you enjoy my blogs.  Now, I need to return to designing my site, which is proving to be a challenge.

Ellie