Here I go again...another diet

So here I go again, another diet…I mean “life style change.”  Will it work?  Will I find happiness as the number on the scale decreases?  Will I become a better me?

For as long as I can remember I have been striving to be a thinner, better me.  I picture what I will look like and how life will be better.  I see friends and co-workers meeting their weight loss goals and seek their advice.  I work out with a trainer and join competitions and programs, all in an effort to find the thinner, better version of me.

Do I really think happiness can be found in a size 6 jean?  Will I be funnier?  Will people like me more?  Will be kinder and more loving?  Will I be….???? 

When I look at my friends, most who look similar to me, I don’t see their weight, their gray hair, or any of their other imperfections.  I see the people who love me, who make me laugh, who make me think about life and how to live it better.  I don’t pick my friends by their pants size or any other superficial trait, so why do I put so much pressure on myself?  Why cant I find happiness as I am.  I tell my daughter to love herself as she is because she is perfect.  She is how God made her, so why am I such a hypocrite when it comes to me? 

I could blame the unrealistic expectations I see Hollywood and the media portraying but to be honest, I don’t look at people like Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie as role models.  I am smart enough to know that they have access to programs, staff, etc. that I don’t. I also know their pictures are modified to make them look like perfection.  Rather, I look at my peers and see what I want to look like.  I see the woman who has had five babies and wears a size 2.  I see the mom that works full time and never has a hair out place and is able to wear the trendy cloths without muffin top syndrome (fat hanging over her waist line).  These are the people I see and envy.

My husband tells me weekly how beautiful and sexy I am.  I am thankful he thinks so but I don’t.  I know it hurts his feelings when I disagree and that his opinion is not enough.  I try to see myself through his eyes and find comfort and peace with his opinion, but then I see a picture of myself.  I see my cubby body and his words disappear and my insecurities scream all that I lack. 

As I was sitting in church this week, frustrated by what the scale said earlier, I realized that I was desiring a thinner version of me more than God.  I spent more time thinking about and imagining a thinner me than I spent praying or reading the Bible.  I somehow made my body image bigger than God.  I didn’t think I could feel worse but when I realized that I had lost my perspective and made my diet my God, I did.  Not only was I losing the battle with my weight but I was losing the battle to keep God my #1 priority.  This was not acceptable!!!

So today I refocus on what’s important and pray that the mean things I say to myself about my waist line, thighs and chubby face will be silenced.    I will continue to work towards better eating habits because I am concerned with diabetes and heart disease but I will NOT diet, I will not buy/by into one more program and I will NOT allow my weight to be my focus.  God, Husband and Kids – those are my focus. 

(If you happen to read this blog, please don’t comment on how you think I am fine the way I am or with recommendations on how to lose weight, as that is not the intent of this blog.   To anyone who introduced me to a diet program, I didnt write this to offend you and the decision to buy into your program was by my choosing; you couldnt have known that I lost my perspective.  Thank you)

Dear Daughter:

Dear Daughter:

I wish for one moment you could see yourself through my eyes.  Then you would realize how amazing, beautiful, talented, and loved you are.  You would see the qualities that make you unique, special and precious.  You wouldn't see all the mean untruths the world tells you about yourself.  You wouldn't worry about whether or not you are asked to sit at the cool kids’ table. 

Watching you navigate this world, at times, is painful and a lot harder than I ever imagined.  You are dealing with so many things and have matured a lot faster than most kids your age.  I never knew I could physically feel someone else’s pain, but as I hold you when you cry I physically hurt.    I feel the hurt others have caused, whether that be intentional or by accident.  I cry when you cry and sometimes when you aren't watching. I don’t tell you this to make you feel guilty or so you won’t share your problems with me but rather I tell you so you know how much I care.  I may not have the answers to your questions or the best advice for your problems, but my love is genuine and deep.  Even if I can’t fix your problems, I hope my genuine love makes facing them easier. 

Please don’t believe the lies the world is telling you, whether those lies come from magazines, TV shows or friends.  If you ever want to know your worth, come to me.  I will remind you that you are a child of God.  I will remind you that I love you more today than I did yesterday and I will show you all the good that exist in you.  Does this mean I am blind to your faults?  No.  It does mean that those faults are nothing compared to the good in you.  The love you have for people and God and your sense of humor and ability to be silly are what make you so incredible.  Your outside beauty is no match for the beauty that lies within your heart.  When I tell you are beautiful, I hope you know I mean your physical beautiful as well as your inner beauty. 

Don’t change!  Don’t let the world change who you are or make you feel inadequate.  Don’t turn yourself inside out to fit in.  Be you!  Be you 100% of the time!!  Not everyone will like you, which is their loss.  I have spent most of my life trying to fit in, trying to sit at the cool kids table and be accepted.  To this day, I find myself on the outside of those circles.  It is only within the last few months I have been able to settle in to who I am and put aside the opinions of others.  I am who I am and being someone am not is harder than dealing with rejection from those who don’t enjoy my company.  Please don’t take 30+ years to figure this out like I did.

I watch you every day and every day I thank God for letting me be your mom.  I know people say that all the time, but it’s true.  I am beyond thankful that each day I wake up and get to be your mom.  I don’t know what I did to deserve you.  In fact, am sure I don’t deserve you but by the grace of God I am your mom. 

When you are lonely, sad, feeling rejected, etc. please remember this:  You are perfect just as you are.  You are loved.  You are an inspiration to many.  You are amazing, talented and beautiful.  Most importantly, you are God’s child.  You are a piece of Him and if He is as amazing as we know He is, than so must you be.  Embrace who you and embrace the gift of life.

Love,

Mom