Here I go again...another diet

So here I go again, another diet…I mean “life style change.”  Will it work?  Will I find happiness as the number on the scale decreases?  Will I become a better me?

For as long as I can remember I have been striving to be a thinner, better me.  I picture what I will look like and how life will be better.  I see friends and co-workers meeting their weight loss goals and seek their advice.  I work out with a trainer and join competitions and programs, all in an effort to find the thinner, better version of me.

Do I really think happiness can be found in a size 6 jean?  Will I be funnier?  Will people like me more?  Will be kinder and more loving?  Will I be….???? 

When I look at my friends, most who look similar to me, I don’t see their weight, their gray hair, or any of their other imperfections.  I see the people who love me, who make me laugh, who make me think about life and how to live it better.  I don’t pick my friends by their pants size or any other superficial trait, so why do I put so much pressure on myself?  Why cant I find happiness as I am.  I tell my daughter to love herself as she is because she is perfect.  She is how God made her, so why am I such a hypocrite when it comes to me? 

I could blame the unrealistic expectations I see Hollywood and the media portraying but to be honest, I don’t look at people like Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie as role models.  I am smart enough to know that they have access to programs, staff, etc. that I don’t. I also know their pictures are modified to make them look like perfection.  Rather, I look at my peers and see what I want to look like.  I see the woman who has had five babies and wears a size 2.  I see the mom that works full time and never has a hair out place and is able to wear the trendy cloths without muffin top syndrome (fat hanging over her waist line).  These are the people I see and envy.

My husband tells me weekly how beautiful and sexy I am.  I am thankful he thinks so but I don’t.  I know it hurts his feelings when I disagree and that his opinion is not enough.  I try to see myself through his eyes and find comfort and peace with his opinion, but then I see a picture of myself.  I see my cubby body and his words disappear and my insecurities scream all that I lack. 

As I was sitting in church this week, frustrated by what the scale said earlier, I realized that I was desiring a thinner version of me more than God.  I spent more time thinking about and imagining a thinner me than I spent praying or reading the Bible.  I somehow made my body image bigger than God.  I didn’t think I could feel worse but when I realized that I had lost my perspective and made my diet my God, I did.  Not only was I losing the battle with my weight but I was losing the battle to keep God my #1 priority.  This was not acceptable!!!

So today I refocus on what’s important and pray that the mean things I say to myself about my waist line, thighs and chubby face will be silenced.    I will continue to work towards better eating habits because I am concerned with diabetes and heart disease but I will NOT diet, I will not buy/by into one more program and I will NOT allow my weight to be my focus.  God, Husband and Kids – those are my focus. 

(If you happen to read this blog, please don’t comment on how you think I am fine the way I am or with recommendations on how to lose weight, as that is not the intent of this blog.   To anyone who introduced me to a diet program, I didnt write this to offend you and the decision to buy into your program was by my choosing; you couldnt have known that I lost my perspective.  Thank you)