Guilt and Peace

The other day I read a Batten mom’s status on Facebook and I gasped.  Why?  I was surprised, rather shocked at what she said.  It was brave, it was honest and it was something I have thought but never said for fear of judgment.  (Okay, I said it to one person and I think they understood what I meant.  I hope).  

  

I quote, “A guilty feeling comes when we look forward to God calling our daughter home.”  I have thought about Kate’s homecoming and I feel happy for her.  I look forward to her going home to heaven.  The minute I think this guilt pours in like hurricane.  My heart breaks, my fears turn my path dark and I question if my feelings make me evil.  How can I feel happy about her death? 

I know if/when Kate passes away I will feel pain like I have never felt before.  NOTHING in this life can prepare me for the pain, devastation, emptiness, and sorrow I will feel.  I know I will never get over the pain of saying good bye to her.  I still pray each day, several times a day that I never know this pain.  I pray for a miracle!  But when I think about Kate going home, meeting Jesus, and dancing in the presence of God, I smile.  I picture her being healthy, happy, and enjoying life the way all children should.  I hear her voice and giggles.  I even hear her sassy personality.  This makes me smile.  This makes me happy.  This is what allows me to look forward to life without her.  Even now, as I type that sentence, the guilt over powers me and I have to remind myself that I am not happy about life without her.  Rather I am happy for the life she will have without us. 

My goal in life is to make it home to heaven.  I have said it hundreds of times – “take me, am ready.”  This earth is temporary.  The things on this earth are temporary.  I want to see my permanent home and be in the most glorious, peaceful, and holy place.     Even more than that, I want to meet my savior face-to-face and be in His presence.  If this is the goal I have for myself and I look forward to it, why wouldn't I want this for my family and friends and look forward to it for them as well? 

I cherish each day with Lauren, Kate and Brock.  I am thankful for each day we wake up together and enjoy the mundane things of life, along with the exciting things.  I don’t take one day for granted!  And I look forward to all of us finding our way home to heaven.  Going forward I will look forward to it without guilt.  Rather I will feel peace over the idea of us being a family in Heaven.