If Love Could Have Saved You...

I read on Facebook today “if love could have saved, you would have lived forever” and I thought, how true is that?  If the love could save those we love the most, we wouldn’t have to say good-bye and know the pain of losing someone.  If love was enough, my dad, my brother, Dylan and so many others would still be here.  If love was enough, I wouldn’t worry about saying good-bye to Kate.  Love can do so many things, but it cant prevent death. 

However, the love of our savior can save us!  It doesn’t stop us from leaving this place, leaving our bodies or leaving those we love, but it does allow us to see them again, in our new bodies, in place that has more joy, peace and fulfillment than this place we call earth.  This place, our bodies, etc. are temporary.  Yes it hurts, to say it lightly, when we have to say good-bye and it is hard to find our footing, but we have something to look forward to.  We have the knowledge and joy of knowing that one day we will be reunited with those we love. 

How exciting is that?  Think of all the things you have said good-bye to, which you will never see again.  Friendships that have ended, jobs that you have left, homes that you don’t live in anymore, etc.  Those good-byes are permanent and you had to adjust to a new normal.  Saying good-bye to your spouse, child, sibling, parent, etc. due to death may seem permanent, but there is hope in eternity.  There is hope is seeing those you love once again as you enter the gates of heaven.  Knowing this, I hope, brings you joy, peace and comfort.  I know it helps me deal with my grief.  Knowing that one day I will be reunited with those that have gone before me brings me peace, calmness, hope, joy, and eagerness. 

How can we be certain that we are going to heaven?  It is simple!  All you have to do is profess that Jesus is son of God, he came to save us from our sins, died on the cross and rose again and is seated in Heaven and ask him to come into your heart.  Simple!  You just have to believe.  You just need faith the size of mustard seed.  I wish all of life was this easy!  Life may not be easy but it so easy to believe in a compassionate, all knowing, wonderful God, who wants nothing but the best for you and wants you to spend eternity with Him.

So, next time I read, “if love could have saved you, you would have lived forever”, I wont think of those that we mourn, rather I will say, Love is Enough and it does Save us! 

Happy Birthday Lauren

She made me a mom.  She made me see the world through new eyes.  She made me rethink all the things I thought I knew.  She challenges me to be a better person; more compassionate and patient.  She allows me to be childlike and silly.  It’s so hard to believe that she is now 11.  How did this happen so fast?  After 11 years I am still amazed at the impact Lauren has had on my life. 

Lauren and I are a lot alike.  We look like each other, her mannerisms are similar to mine and how she processes situations and her emotions is similar to how I process them.  She is a mini-me, but so much better!!  She has so many qualities that I wish I had.  She is out-going, adventurous, and confident in who she is.  She is able to be silly and has an amazing sense of humor.  She can wake up in the morning, put on her camo hunting cloths and hangout in a tree stand, then come home and get all dressed up and do her hair and make-up (chapstick and clear mascara since shes only 11). 

I wish Lauren could see herself the way I see her.  She would see how brave, amazing, and lovely she is.  I know at times she feels like she blends into the wall because so much of our time is focused on Kate and her needs, but I hope she knows, without a doubt, how much we love her and how lucky we are to have her as our daughter.  I am forever thankful to God for allowing me to be Lauren’s mom. 

As we celebrated Laurens 11^th birthday this past weekend, I reflected on the past 11 years and the different stages of Lauren’s life.  It has been so much fun to watch her grown, develop her personality, and learn.  Lauren is all around amazing and I cant wait to see what the next 11 years (and more) bring.

Happy Birthday Lauren!

Hope is not Faith

Hope is not faith.  These words keep ringing in my ear.  My pastor said these words a few weeks ago and they stopped me in my tracks.  How many times have I said “I know Kate will be healed and I hope its on earth, not in heaven” or “am a realist, and know that Kate’s healing may not happen until she is in the arms of Jesus”?  How is it that I could say in one breath that I believed in Kate’s healing and the next say I hope for it?  Either I have faith or I have hope. 

When I heard those words, I knew that I needed to think about what I was saying when praying vs what I was saying in conversation or thinking.   Faith is believing what we cant see and while Kate doesn’t looked healed, I believe she will be.  Faith the size of a mustard seed is all I need and I have that!   Over the last few weeks I have been focused on my faith and truly believing, not just giving lip service.  I didn’t think that was what I was doing until I heard our pastor say hope is not faith.  It was then that I realized that I was saying one thing, and believing another thing.  I wasnt doubting God's ability, but wasnt placing all my trust in Him.  Why?  Maybe to protect my heart?  Maybe so I didn’t sound like a crazy person for being hyper religious?  Whatever the reason, my thinking and believing have been transformed. I am praying with the belief of healing.   

What are you praying for?  What are you believing God can and will do?  Whatever it is you are praying for, pray with the full confidence that God is capable.  Don’t doubt his abilities or desires. 

Matthew 14:31 NIV Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," he said, "why did you doubt?

Matthew 17:20 NIV He replied, "Because you have so little faith. I tell you the truth, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

2 Corinthians 5:7 NIV We live by faith, not by sight.


ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:
After I posted this another batten parent and I discussed the whether or not hope can be faith.  When I say discuss, I mean we shared a few thoughts on Facebook.  I wanted to include what I said about hope vs faith, because my thoughts may not have been as clear as I had hoped in the above blog.  

I agree hope can be faith but also think hope can diminish your faith. I know what I mean, but may struggle to explain it. I will give it a try - hope in something can mean you also have faith in it. However, sometimes, your hope may be a sign of lack of trust or confidence. When I was praying for healing but following it w "I hope God heals her" I wasn't showing faith. My hope took away from faith. Maybe it depends on the order of your thoughts or belief that makes the biggest difference? If your hope leads to faith, then your confidence in your request is solid but if your hope comes after faith, then you don't have a 100% confidence in what you desire or believe to be possible ? Hope that makes sense.

Happiness vs. Batten disease – which wins?

Happiness…  What does it mean?  How does one obtain happiness?  The definition of happy is “feeling or showing pleasure or contentment.”  Happiness is the state of being happy.   Why do so many people fight happiness?  Why do so many people allow anger, jealousy, and bitterness take over their life?  Why are some people only “happy” if they have something to be unhappy about?

In the last four years I have been asked why we as a family are happy.  How do we maintain happiness in the midst our struggles? 

Happiness vs. Batten disease – which wins?

I remember the day we got the diagnosis for our daughter Kate.  Happiness was nowhere to be found.  Happiness fled our home and darkness set in for a few weeks.  Living, breathing, and merely existing became a chore.  Tears were more common than smiles.  All around us was darkness, fear, and hopelessness.   We could have stayed in this state of mind but we CHOSE otherwise.  Am I saying happiness is a choice?  Yes, that is what I am saying. 

(BUT before we go any further, let me say loud and clear that I am not saying depression is a choice. In fact, I believe just the opposite.  Depression is a medical condition that requires medical attention, whether that be through counseling, medication or both.  Our country needs to remove the shame from mental illness and allow those with it to be open and unashamed.  This blog is about those who are healthy mentally yet they elect to be filled with anger, sadness and other dark emotions.)

We chose to find happiness and a way to live again.  Kate had been given a death sentence but the truth is she was and is a live.  We can hold her, kiss her, and see her.  How many years will she live?  I wish I knew.  However, I what knew once the darkness started to move, and continue to focus on, is that she is alive today.  We can chose to be miserable and see only death or we can chose to live, be happy and be thankful for today.  Batten disease may claim her life, but it wont claim the hours and days while she is living.  It wont claim our happiness.  We chose happiness because anger, sadness and bitterness doesn’t bring quality of life but happiness, love and a positive attitude do. 

More than happiness, I want joy.  If happiness is a choice, isn’t joy.  No!  Joy is a gift from God.  Happiness is like a fair weather friend; happiness comes and goes as life throws junk your way.  What do I mean?  You may be happy and at peace with life, but then the phone rings and you learn that someone you love has died.  Happiness is now replaced with sorrow and you grieve.  BUT joy is still there.  Joy is deep within your soul and lights the way when darkness surrounds you.   Joy is a gift that God wants us to claim.  Joy allows you to smile when your world has fallen apart.  Joy makes it possible for happiness to find you once again.  If you aren’t able to find joy or happiness, seek God first.  He is the joy, the peace, the light.  Once you have Him, joy will fill you. 

Romans 15:13 - May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in Him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

Galatians 5:22 – But the fruit of the Spirit is love, JOY, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.

John 16:24 – Until now you have not asked for anything in my name.  Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be completed.

So who wins, batten disease or happiness?  Neither.  Joy wins.  Joy has filled our hearts, our home and our lives.  Batten disease may win some of the battles and there may be days of fear and darkness, but my God is bigger than Batten disease and He has overcome this world.  So today we smile, laugh and trust that Gods plan is right on track.  We praise Him for the joy that allows us to get up each day and make memories with our family.  

Valentine's Day

Valentine’s Day is a day to express your love for those who mean the most to you.  I am not a fan of Valentine’s Day, nor a hater of the holiday.  I am indifferent to it.  I understand the idea of Valentine’s Day and I agree we need to express our love to those we cherish.  For those of us who struggle with doing that, the holiday is the perfect excuse to say what we feel.

At our house we don’t really celebrate Valentine’s Day.  We buy cards for each other and I may or may not buy something SMALL for the girls and Brock, but overall, we treat the day as if it wasn’t a holiday.  To some this may seem weird, cold or as if the passion in our marriage is gone.  I, on the other hand, see it as comforting.  Neither Brock, nor I, feels any pressure to buy a gift that express our undying love for one another.  Instead, we can enjoy the day with no pressure, just love.  I know regardless of whether or not a boutique of flowers is delivered to my office, that I am loved and cared for.  Honestly, it means more to me when I receive flowers unexpectedly, rather than when the calendar says they should be delivered.

I express my love every day to my family.  It may not be in the traditional sense – words, hugs, etc. (I do say “I love you” to them daily and hug them daily).  I express my love by making a nice dinner, buying something at the grocery store that isn’t for me because I know someone else will enjoy it, sitting through a TV show that I don’t enjoy just so I can spend time with person who is enjoying it, etc. 

Don’t get me wrong, if you make a big deal out of the holiday, I am happy for you.  Like I said, I am neither a lover nor a hater of the holiday.  Enjoy the day, celebrate the love you share with your spouse (girlfriend or boyfriend), children, friends, etc.  After all, that’s what the day is about, so why not take the time to say and show your love. 

But as I reflect on the meaning of Valentine’s Day, I am reminded that my love for my children and husband is nothing compared to the love our creator has for us.  His love is the greatest we will ever know.  I am thankful our heavenly father doesn’t need a holiday to express His love for us!   I am glad he didn’t show his love with a box of chocolate, overpriced card or dinner that required us to wait 2 hours in line.  I am thankful His love is unconditional and constantly present.  He shows mercy and forgiveness when I deserve neither.  I am thankful He loves when I am unlovable.  I am thankful he shows His love to us everyday! 

Happy Valentine’s Day.  May you show your love and feel loved every day of the year.  Know that regardless of the love you do or don’t feel each day, that your heavenly Father loves you more than you can comprehend.

Love means never having to say you are sorry.

Love means never having to say you are sorry, or so I've been told.  Why would we say sorry to a stranger when we neglect to hold a door open for them, bump into them by accident or get in their way at the grocery store, but we dont apologize to those who we love the most when we hurt their feelings?  I have always thought this quote was ridiculous.  I am sorry.  Three simple words that can have a huge impact on a relationship.  I am sorry.  A short sentence that can bring healing and peace.

Over the last few years I watched as a relationship I once loved turn bitter and cold.  I was angry with a person; they were angry with me.  There was no communication between us around the anger; no attempt to resolve what was once a great friendship.  I avoided talking about the issues with this person because I hate confrontation and perhaps I didnt want to hear what I did to cause her hurt.  I consider myself to be a loving and kind person, but at times I was just the opposite.

I felt God telling me to reconcile this relationship.  "Go to her and correct what you have done" I heard several times.  Be loving, be kind, be Christ like.  I knew God wasnt pleased with me and this situation.  I also knew that I couldnt ask for Gods grace, mercy and forgiveness if I myself couldnt lend that same grace, mercy and forgiveness.

After resisting for a few months, I decided to right what was wrong.  I asked the person to meet me in a public place so we could talk.  To my relief, and perhaps disappointment, they agreed.  (Why disappointment?  Like I said, I hate confrontation, but I knew this was the right thing to do.)

This meeting could have started one of two ways.  I could have sited every heart ache, every unkind act and every harsh word she said and she could have done the same.  OR I could wave the white flag, apologize and ask for forgiveness.  What should I do?  What would Christ do?

I decided the best approach was to wave the flag and ask for forgiveness.  I looked this person in the eye and said, "We once were friends but over the last few years things have changed.  I dont know how we got to this point but I want us to be friends again.  I dont want to hash out every wrong that has been done.  Rather I want to forgive, forget and rebuild.  I am sorry for my role in the destruction of our friendship."  To my relief she apologized and accepted my apology.

I cant describe the healing power of "am sorry." I felt the healing begin when I said I was sorry.  I felt it again when she said she was sorry.  I felt healing continue as we sat for a short period of time and caught up on each other lives.

So if saying these two simple words can bring such healing, why arent we required to say it to those we love?  Why do watch relationships dissolve?  Is it our pride? Is it because they are more wrong than you?  Is it because they need to say it first?  Am sure there are a million reasons why.  But there is one reason to say it.  Christ.  Christ has forgiven you.  He died for you.  And to be blunt, HE EXPECTS YOU TO FIX THE WRONGS THAT HAVE BEEN DONE.

• Matthew 6:14-15, For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.
• 1 John 1:9, If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
• 2 Corinthians 2: 7-11, So you should rather turn to forgive and comfort him, or he may be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. So I beg you to reaffirm your love for him. For this is why I wrote, that I might test you and know whether you are obedient in everything. Anyone whom you forgive, I also forgive. Indeed, what I have forgiven, if I have forgiven anything, has been for your sake in the presence of Christ, so that we would not be outwitted by Satan; for we are not ignorant of his designs.
• 1 John 3:15, Anyone who hates another brother or sister is really a murderer at heart. And you know that murderers don't have eternal life within them.

Saying "am sorry" is rarely easy but can bring healing beyond measure.

What I wouldnt give...

What I wouldn't give to walk into my Grandma and Grandpa Willer's house one more time.  The drive to their house was long, but the excitement I felt as we drove up the road they lived on is unmatched.  I don't know what is is about their home that I loved so much, but I always felt a sense of peace, wholeness and happiness there.  I often do a tour of their house in my mind so I don't forget any details.  I can picture the bench in their foyer, the green glasses we drank from, the smell of homemade cookies, my grandma's dresser and the lipstick that always laid on it, and the piano my father loved to play.  The things I miss most about my grandparents house are the sounds I heard when we were there.  The sound of my grandmother humming as she walked around the house, and the laughter of my aunts and uncles as they reminisced about their childhood.  If I sit quietly I can hear Uncle Stan's boisterous laugh, Aunt Phyllis's calming voice reading us a bedtime story, and Uncle Chuck teasing my parents for liking the Hawkeyes.

I take back what I said early.  I do know what I loved so much about their home, its the people.  The people who filled that house genuinely loved each other and enjoyed being together.  It was rare for all four of my Grandparents children to visit at one time, so when it happened we cherished each minute.  The adults would sit around the kitchen table for hours talking,while the kids played in the basement.  It was simple, but perfect.  I often desire to go back to their home.  I wonder if the people who live there now would let me look around and reminisce for a few moments.  I wonder what it would be like to sit in the living room or stare out from the kitchen table into the backyard.  Would I feel the same sense of peace or would I be disappointed because the home no longer looks like it did 10 years ago?  Even if it looked the same, the people I love wouldn't be there, the noises I miss wouldn't fill the air and smell of Grandma's perfume wouldn't linger.

I so desire to feel the way I did in their home everyday - loved, at peace, carefree, etc.  How can I get that back?  Life is moving so fast and I am responsible for so many things but when I allow myself to have quiet moments of reflection and spend time reading the Bible, I find the peace and love I desire.  I know, you are thinking, really?  Yes, really.  I feel at peace when I have a few moments of time with God.  Getting myself focused, redirected and out of this world helps me deal with the journey I am on in a positive, loving and calm manner.  Peace with the journey comes when I hear God's voice telling me He walks with me and carries me when I grow weary.

The only thing better than spending one-on-one time with God, is spending time with God, in my Grandma's living room, with my grandma sitting beside me.